


The Scrape of Your Hands

by knightsirbedivere



Series: Hartwin Week [3]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Angst, Eggsy struggles with mental instability, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Instability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 14:16:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4609818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightsirbedivere/pseuds/knightsirbedivere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes remembering hurts. Sometimes it hurts enough that you just can’t hold on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Scrape of Your Hands

Eggsy was reckless.

Merlin always told him so, the other knights told him so, Eggsy never listened. So the more reckless he was, the fewer missions he got sent on, much to his frustration.

A domestic fight between him and Harry would leave him itching for space. When he got that space he wouldn't care how hurt he got, how torn up he'd be, so long as he got his space. Merlin would bitch at him and make sure he understood how he could put the agency at risk as well as himself. He would place himself easily in Harry's arms and tell him how much he loved him. 

Eggsy was reckless in the way he felt. He'd let his emotions get the better of him on several occasions. His anger would turn him into a cold ruthless machine, he'd throw himself into his work and fake every smile, every kind word. Eggsy would let his bitterness twist a knife in his relationships, he'd push everyone away and shut down emotionally. He'd come home to Harry crying about Lee and how he's only ever been a pawn for someone else to move around. Eggsy would prefer to be called Gary in those moments and would need to remove himself from work. Eggsy knew he was difficult to handle and would tell Harry that he was sorry, like he was a burden Harry had to take care of. Roxy managed to get Eggsy to one of the Kingsman therapists and the only thing Eggsy listened to was getting a journal, which seemed to help with the bouts of crippling sadness and anger.

* * *

“Harry I’m sorry, for everything, I’m so sorry.” Eggsy walks into their bedroom looking very much like a child who had had a nightmare, tears streaming down his face and the throw from the couch around his shoulders. The words come out choked like Eggsy had been crying in the living room for a bit. Harry scrambles out of bed and wraps his arms around Eggsy, tucking his head under his chin.

“It’s okay Eggsy, you don’t have to apologize to me for anything. Shh darling, it’s alright.” Harry rubs circles into Eggsy’s back, holds him steady as sobs shake his body. When Harry feels like the worst of it passes he pulls back and looks at Eggsy, he’s got tear tracks down his cheeks and his eyes are pink.

“No Harry I do. I’m sorry I was such a dis-disappointment to you. I’m sorry I always get this way, I just thought about my dad and and...” he trails off, waiting for the words to come to him as he takes in deep shaking breaths. Harry wonders for a moment where all this fear comes from but he remembers and he remembers that part of it is _his fault_.

* * *

Eggsy was reckless. 

This time it cost more than a lecture and a few days off to heal. It cost him a month in a medically induced coma. An unexpected fight with the target, who made several well placed hits straight to Eggsy’s head, and a car accident had proved that Eggsy had severe head trauma. The first medical team on scene had to put Eggsy under to stop the seizures, so transferring him from a local hospital in Maine, USA back to London takes a few weeks. Harry finds Eggsy’s journal and flips through sometimes just to see his writing, until the fear that Eggsy might not wake up pushes through him and he reads the journal.

One caught his eye particularly because of the skipped date and water-warped dots on the page.

 _I woke up yesterday and Harry wasn’t next to me, felt like after I got back from Valentine’s and couldn’t get out of bed for a few days. I dissociated and couldn’t remember why I was in Harry’s house if he’s_ **dead** , _I walked around like that all day feeling out of my body. He kissed me after we ate breakfast together, I came upstairs and threw up, I thought I’d been eating with a ghost until he touched me. I stayed in the bathroom for a bit, showered and cried a lot, I remember thinking,_ **“this is a lovely dream but I would rather be awake,”** _it was kind of shitty to go to Merlin and ask for help getting rid of Harry. He thought I was meaning our relationship and that’s when I kind of snapped back into it, I feel horrible about it now...the whole thing not just blubbering like a baby against Merlin. It makes me think about how I deal with loss and how I lose_ **everything** _good in my life, it’s kinda hard not to let that thought chase me every time Harry tells me he loves me. I have to believe he really loves me and not ghost Harry because I really love Harry._

Harry reads it a few times and makes sure he didn’t imagine it. He remembers that day, Eggsy’s glassy eyes staring at him like he could see through him and the occasional sob he heard from the master bath. Harry wondered how often Eggsy thought he wasn’t real and how his death really affected his psyche. Merlin tries to get Harry to understand that the possibility of Eggsy not waking up is very real and that Harry needs to take on missions and get back to work. 

_Harry just doesn’t get it, nobody does but I need Harry to get it. I can’t forget what he said to me. Is he still trying to repay my dad by loving me, taking care of me the way he couldn’t take care of dad?_ Harry thinks he sees little Eggsy Unwin sitting on his dad’s shoulders. _I’m nothing but a disappointment to him. When he was dead I felt his hands on me and I would use that as a blanket but sometimes it just feels like fire. I had no one treat me like Harry did and then_ **he left** _and it’s just been hard y’know?_

Two weeks into the coma and Eggsy slips under, Harry’s shoved away from him as the medical team struggles to bring him back. Three weeks and he’s stable, he’s wasting away but Harry falls asleep listening to him breathing. Merlin calls Harry two weeks later at 10:50 in the morning on a Tuesday during a mission to let him know that Eggsy was officially out of the coma. A few days later Harry gets to be by his side when he finally speaks.

“Did I finish the mission?” comes out softly, too soft even to be a whisper. He’s pale and gaunt but his eyes are bright when he looks at Harry. Harry nods and slides his fingers between Eggsy’s, warming his cold hand.

“Are you okay?” the question is genuine and Eggsy rubs his thumb over the back of Harry’s hand as he asks. Harry bites back tears and kisses Eggsy’s forehead.

“Yes Eggsy, I’m okay.” he chokes out and Eggsy smiles warmly at him before his eyes slide shut and he falls asleep with his head on Harry’s shoulder.

**Author's Note:**

> Day 3 prompt of Hartwin Week - "Based on a song." But it's based on a couple.  
> [Ophelia by Lena Fayre](https://youtu.be/UnswLQDmphM?list=FLYc6BoDqSdFKmZiziXawWXQ).  
> [I Remember by Lena Fayre](https://youtu.be/0ezI8tkR7Hc?list=FLYc6BoDqSdFKmZiziXawWXQ).  
> Title came from I Remember. Come talk to me on [tumblr](http://shisuitas.tumblr.com).


End file.
